Wednesday, December 28, 2005

[fwd from the alien] Xmas Wishes to Marie

Chris,

Strangest thing - I picked up a crumpled piece of notebook paper that smelled of blackberries when we were at Karol's last week. Somebody must have dropped it - maybe it was our Marie? I typed it up for the feed...

Merry Xmas. I hope you get cured of the hepetititis soon and come back in. We got a new bottle of blackburry for ya.

Jimmy and me had another good year this year. Sometimes he hollars but I don understan him no how. Lil Jimmy wasn in jail too much. He got to watch out the maryjuanna. Hows he gonna get a good job over at the Jewel if he wont get outa bed. I say make him pay his own rent but Jimmy say that he was like that when he was young too. Boys will be boys but I say he just lazy.

Well those karaoke fellas and ladies keep comin in. You know the ones who sit in the back? Theres two who are always here - the real tall one, he must be a basketball player or somethin and that ladyfriend of his in the glasses. She must be a famous designer or some kind of artist. There are a couple a other straglers that come along some times. Theres one who sings a reall good led zepelin - I think its immigrant song or black dog or something. He ate a burger here one time - I wonder if hes okay. Theres another couple - she sings a reall good devil went to georgia and he sings streets of bakersville with the basketball player. Do you remember the one guy who came in with that midget docter in the beard? Docter Budarapu i think his name was. The docter dont come no more but his assistant do. Hes always drinkin all our budweiser.

Well no news is good news I guess. Hope your tooth don ache too much. See you soon.

Mrs. Jimmy
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Friday, December 23, 2005

Costume Change in the Hellish Men's Room

I don't know how else to start other than to say last night was the Karaoke Kontest Finals.

Needless to say the place was packed with both kontestants and their well-wishers... Also needless to say, we slunk to the back of the bar and stayed there complaining in terms like, "I remember when this used to be our bar...", etc.

The bar staff was hitting on all cylinders... Jimmy, Mrs. Jimmy, Lil'She-Jimmy (or Jimlet) and a new/old friend, "Catfish" (redheaded, abe lincoln-like, pickled,... striking) were all behind the bar.

BikerBouncer was NOT in attendance... there was some genetic experiment working the door... some DNA from Neil Diamond some from Ernest Borgnine and some from Andre The Giant...

I am not sure who won, but I am pulling for Magoo-san. He had several changes of costume... for his interpretation of LIKE A VIRGIN, he wore a completely white warmup suit, a veil and carried a rose... (I was able to witness this costume change in the hellish Men's Room... JOY!) . When we left he was strutting about whipping up support from the crowd in a Rhinestone Cowboy outfit - god knows what he planned to "perform" in that.

There was an Elvis impersonator (strictly amateur) and a Drama Major that did STAND BY YOUR MAN in a fake twang... pretty sorry lot overall

There was one non-kontestant, pre-kontest performer I liked... somebody's Mom that did a great Patsy Cline SWEET DREAMS

THE LINE UP

The Alien - (chose to sit this one out)
Lisap - (chose to sit this one out)
chris - (chose to sit this one out)

See you next week for a Holiday K on R @ K's?
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Wednesday, December 21, 2005

(10/14/05) Strange Brew

It's an odd night when Karol's is stranger than usual. Each time the
door opened, a new unexpected "crew" would appear. Some examples:
-Hulk Hogan look-alike who flushed urinal with his boot (although both
hands seemed capable)
-arm-wrestling ladies who love ladies in the front (I think one of them
was that guy that almost got in a fight with Chris a couple months back)
-Toby Keith look-alike - beat-up cowboy hat, sleeveless leather vest -
hey, wait, you're at the wrong bar, chief
-Big Blondie who caused an almost allergic reaction in Rhonda
-on-duty policeman having a quick one with a steroid-influenced,
tattooed pal. Joe and I were trying to eavesdrop on their conversation,
while looking very casual.
-general random characters - I suspect that Karol's is advertising
somewhere - maybe in United's inflight magazine or posters above urinals


The lineup
-Rhonda (sat this one out)
-Joe (sat this one out)
-LisaP - Mr. Tambourine Man (why didn't she sing this before? this was
great)
-Chris - Times They Are A-Changin'(he was channeling Dylan - I think it
was the PBS special)
-Brian - Folsom Prison Blues (hasn't he sung this before?)
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(4/27/05) WARILY WARILY WARILY

(inspired by ROW ROW ROW YOUR BOAT)

DRINK DRINK DRINK your Beer
Until I sound "just great"
WARILY WARILY WARILY
Look out here comes KG

Who is on for K this R @ K's
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(5/31/05) I can't control my myself nor my voice as a rule

(Inspired by I WANNA BE SEDATED by the Ramones)

Fourty-fourty-fourty eight hours to go I wanna be "performing"
Nothin' to do and no where to go-o-oh I wanna be "performing"
Just get me to the korner put me on a stool
Hurry hurry hurry If I don't "perform" who'll?
I can't control my myself nor my voice as a rule
Oh no no no no no


The Alien klaims he is in... are you in for K @ K's this R?
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(8/3/05) How to Sing Bitter

I found some HOW TO SING BETTER advice that inspired me to respond based on our Kxperience
HOW TO SING BITTER

All of us have to "sing" at some point, even if it's just a simple 'Professional Recreation of a Well Known Hit' - "Cracklin' Rose", for example. Use these simple tips and techniques in futile hope of retaining a shred of your dignity.

After KG calls you up...
1. Keep your arms completely still. Clasp the microphone desperately in front of you and bring it to your face, keeping your arms pinned to your side in a tense and awkward fashion. This will allow your ribcage to narrow providing a smaller, less inviting target for hooting and derision.
2. Keep your feet completely still and planted in front of the "monitor".
3. Don't Relax! Tension creates a barrier that is difficult for the "audience" to penetrate. Encourage your shoulders to hunch up and keep your neck tensed. Don't force your chest out - unless you are trying to get Jimmy's attention and incite him to bath you in his flashlight spotlight Try to suppress swaying from side to side with the rhythm. And by no means use the ceiling support as a stripper's pole!
4. When you inhale, push your stomach out. This will allow you to more completely fill your lungs. As you exhale, bring your stomach slowly in, using the muscles of your diaphram (which is just under your ribcage) to yelp and howl most aggressively. Remember bitterness and near-psychotic, bug-eyed intensity are your only defense from the completely natural waves of shame and embarrassment that you would otherwise experience.
5. If you have to hit a high note or you hear yourself singing flat (that is, your notes are a tiny bit too low), don't sweat it... nobody but Drama Majors can hit those damn high notes! Screw them... you are up there for yourself and your own vain glory... who cares how it sounds to others?
6. Conversely, if you start to sing sharp (a tiny bit too high), that's cool! You sound like Celine Dion and that is the diva effect we are all shooting for
7. Indulge yourself!


Here is the original (mostly useless) advice

HOW TO SING BETTER

All of us have to sing at some point, even if it's just a simple 'Happy Birthday'. Use these simple tips and techniques to improve your voice and your confidence.

After the jump...
1. Keep your arms slightly away from your body. Clasp your hands out in front of you or bring your arms to your sides and a bit forward, raising them about 6 inches in a flexible, relaxed fashion. This will allow your ribcage to fully expand and your lungs to fill to capacity. More air allows you to project your voice more strongly and clearly.
2. Keep your feet about shoulders' width apart. If you like, one foot can be further forward than the other. Make sure you're solidly balanced, but still flexible. Slightly bend your knees. If you must sing while sitting, make sure both feet are flat on the floor and that you're sitting up straight, but not stiffly.
3. Relax! Tension destroys vocal tone. Try not to let your shoulders hunch up and keep your neck from tensing. Don't force your chest out and up when you breath in. This will actually constrict your air flow. Stay in motion, however slightly. This will relax your body and your tone will sound more natural. Try gently swaying from side to side with the rhythm. You'll look better, too!
4. When you inhale, push your stomach out. This will allow you to more completely fill your lungs. As you exhale, bring your stomach slowly in, using the muscles of your diaphram (which is just under your ribcage) to control your notes.
5. If you have to hit a high note or you hear yourself singing flat (that is, your notes are a tiny bit too low), raise your arms a little higher and smile slightly. For very high notes, try closing your eyes and turning your face up slightly.
6. Conversely, if you start to sing sharp (a tiny bit too high), bring your arms down a little lower and open your mouth slightly wider by dropping your lower jaw. Don't dip your chin towards your neck, however, as this will cause your air flow to become constricted, which will show up in your voice.
7. Enjoy yourself!


Who is in for K this R @ K's?
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(8/1/05) Rhonda (and Dawn) Went Down to Georgia

(Inspired, ironically, by THE DEVIL WENT DOWN TO GEORGIA, by The Charlie Daniel's' Band)

Rhonda went down to Karoles
She was looking to "perform" a "song"
No need to fret cause it's a duet
Since she brought her sister Dawn
When they came across this young man
Standin' behind a laptop and chompin a cigar
And they both walked up to the "stage"
And said, "Boy, now look-y he-ar"
I guess you didn't know it
But we put on a pretty good show
And if you'd care to take a dare
we'll make a bet with you
Now you sing a pretty good Creed,boy
But give these sisters their due
We bet a dollar against a lager
Cause we think we're better than you
The boy said "My name's KG
And you may be from Lowell
But I'll take you bet, your gonna regret
Cause If anyone's going to win, I will

KG go ahead and clear that throat
And and try to sing it smooth
Cause hell's broke loose Karaoles
And they have special dance moves
But you will lose
You'll have to buy 2 beers nice and cold
Cause they been practicin' since they was 10 years old


Please join Rhonda AND Dawn at this very special K this R @ K's
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(more history from 5/3/05) I "sing" the songs

(Inspired by I WRITE THE SONGS by Barry Manilow)

I'll be in this dive 'til whenever, and I'm on my fourth of fifth beer
I put my words and others' melodies together
I am sh*t-faced and I "sing" the songs

CHORUS
I "sing" the songs that makes the whole bar cringe
I "sing" the songs of Cher and McCartney and Wings
I "sing" the songs that you wouldn't try
I "sing" the songs, I "sing"˙ them wrong

BIG FINISH
I am Sh*t-faced (sh*t-faced) and I "sing" them Wrong


Is anyone interested in a little K @ K's on R?
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(more history from 8/5/05) Years and years of practice and shared genetic material

Interesting evening... Rhonda brought her sister Dawn along and she fit right in like the Hoosier she is... She fit in so well that she was naming characters like a pro right away... Her contribution: "Cujo". How to explain Cujo... skinny, greasy, black T-shirt, black leather arm band... Permanent scowl... those are the good qualities... it goes down hill from there.

It was fun to see the Two Sisters (Rhonda and Dawn) reunited in performance at our humble Karaoles venue. There was so much going on up there in terms of communication and the performers reacting to each other in ways that only years and years of practice and shared genetic material could explain... KG couldn't restrain himself... he got in the act as the "devil" fiddling away during the Instrumental Break of DEVIL WENT DOWN TO GEORGIA.

The triumphant return of Softhands... and Softhands may have lost some weight and the use of the right side of his body, but he is still up to his old tricks! He had a hipster boy in a massage/wrestling hold quicker than you could say "restraining order." Dawn being ignorant of his charms, suggested that he looked sad and might enjoy a conversation... I invited her to try her luck... but luckily she witnessed the Hipster Molesting in time to see the error in her judgement... Don't be taken in by Softhands' Sad Puppy Strategy!

Droppy Dog, Teresa, Jo Ann... all there...

BikerBouncer had a number of his Moto-playmates show up... One from the Illinois Chapter of the Southern Blades - MC (?!)... They came to drink some beer and kick some ass... good thing we didn't run out of beer!

Late showing from some Ladies Who Love Ladies (cowboy hats are a giveaway)... Rhonda was quick to react with the perpetually pandering BABY GOT BACK.

Jimmy was there to dispense High Lifes and... a little sugar to the Kokat sisters!

THE LINE UP

The Alien: SWEET CAROLINE, LAST KISS (command performance of a KG auto-selection)
Matt: YOU GIVE LOVE (A BAD NAME)
Kirsten: JOEY
Greg: UNDER THE BOARDWALK
Rhonda: DEVIL WENT DOWN TO GEORGIA (duet with Dawn), THE GAMBLER (duet with Dawn), BABY GOT BACK
Dawn: DEVIL WENT DOWN TO GEORGIA (duet with Rhonda), THE GAMBLER (duet with Rhonda)
Joe: STREETS OF BAKERSFIELD (duet with Chris)
Lisap: (chose to sit this whole trip out - had to work)
Chris: STREETS OF BAKERSFIELD (duet with Joe)
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Tuesday, December 20, 2005

(More from the past: The Aliens's famous "Dr. Amar Budarapu" email) RE: There will be NO K at K's this R

Although not well marketed, last night was "Bring Your Kid to Work Day"at Karol's. Since drinking is a full-time job for most Karol's patrons, you can imagine the number of "kids" there - kids who could easily pass as brothers, sisters, or cousins of their own parents. Jimmy, Jr. was there - beer in hand, happy to be back behind the bar. Little BikerBouncer was there - he must have been at least thirty. Same beard, still needed to work on building out his gut.

I was pretty sure they weren't going to let Alec in without a bit of "disguising." So I fitted him with the fake beard ("Daddy, it's so scratchy") and outfitted him with appropriate ID (Dr. Amar Budarapu, 37 yrs old). He looked good, albeit a little short at 3 ft. tall.

Biker Bouncer gave us the once-over, put his glasses on to re-check the birthdate, and let us pass. I wasn't so sure that he would, since the picture was a rough resemblance of Alec, but thank goodness it gave us the opportunity to spend some quality father-son time together.

I'm not going to go into all the details, but let's just say that Alec - or should I call him Dr. Alec? - now has a new godfather: Biker Bouncer. He mentioned that he wants to get a "hog" but I'm not sure I understand what that means. Chris pointed out that it's nice that Alec will finally have a male role model in his life. I couldn't agree more. I just hope that I don't lose him to the cutthroat back-of-the-trunk-lingerie-sales-to-nudist-colonists industry. It's easy to get caught up in the high-flying fame and fortune that comes with setting up a business at an Indiana gas station. I'll need to make
sure it doesn't affect his kindergarten studies.

Btw, Shaida doesn't know anything about this, so let's keep this between
us.
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(more blast from the past 5/16/05) Embarrassin' myself

(inspired by ALL BY MYSELF, by Eric Carmen)
When I was young
wouldn't have had the gumption
For professional recreation
Those days are gone

Performin alone
with just me on the microphone
I try to think of the tune I'd thought I'd known
But this song is blown

Embarrassin myself
Dont wanna keep
Embarrassin myself up there
Embarrassin myself
Don’t wanna live
With myself anymore

What do any of us have to lose at K on R @ K's?
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(Blast from the Past 5/15/05) A burly presence at my shoulder OR not the time to show ignorance or fear

Quiet night. Carol was there, but seemed to be in a blue funk... so not a factor on this night.

Highlight might have been an event that features BikerBouncer. Since The Alien was absent, I guess it fell on me to be BikerBouncer's "buddy".... I am minding my own business and suddenly feel a burly presence at my shoulder in my "personal space"... I turn to a face full of BikerBouncer... He was obviously proud and excited about the Polaroids he was gingerly slipping from his wallet, but before offering them he asked me, "Wanna see my birthday present?". I hesitate and respond, "I don't know.... do I?" He brushes that aside and pulls out two pictures of what appeared to me to be a 2005 Road King Classic... I said, "Wow... that's a hard-tail, right?" (basically the only thing I knew for sure that could be said to describe a Harley-Davidson - then was not the time to show ignorance or fear). He takes delivery of this bike this weekend. It will be placed immediately in storage. He went on to tell me he was going on "vacation" next week... telling no one where he is going... renting a car to drive... paying for everything in cash... I guess, for BikerBouncer, leaving town on the lamb is a vacation.

There were a couple of regulars... Joanne and a 3-fer from Droopy Dog. Big night for Droopy... I almost booed when some drama major did a song in a really showy way Droopy had already done (DON'T IT MAKE YOUR BROWN EYES BLUE).

THE LINE UP

The Alien:
Joe: THE MIDDLE by JIMMY EAT WORLD (Joe chose to sit this one IN)
Rhonda: DEVIL WENT DOWN TO GEORGIA (The Devil has been absent from Georgia way too long)
Lisap: HELP!, I AM THE WALRUS (Reasserting herself as the definitive Beatles interpreter at K)
Chris: I MELT WITH YOU, TURNING JAPANESE

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Monday, December 19, 2005

What's wrong with that guy up there?

[inspired by WHAT'S UP by 4 NON BLONDES]

Fourty-five years and my life is still
Trying to get up that great big hill from child
toward maturation
And I realized quickly when I knew I should
That the world was made up of almosts and also-rans
And they include me
And so I try sometimes
When I'm standing up there
Just to sing it on out
What's on the screen
And I feel I look pretty darn cool up there
And so I walk up to the "stage"
And I take that mic
And I take a deep breath and clutch my thigh
And I sing as loud as I dare, "Time...
...keeps draggin' on"?
And you say, hey hey hey hey?
you say hey, what's wrong with that guy up there?


Anybody up for some Xaraoles this R @ K's?
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Thursday, December 15, 2005

Our Little Piece of Hillbilly Heaven


(picture curtosey of matt shobe's flickr stream)
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Jimmy Tells of Blackout Spells...

[inspired by the Holiday Classic JINGLE BELLS]

Jimmy tells, of blackout spells
during which he shot a guy
Oh, I can't tell for sure which way
his wife is pointing her eye

Jingle bells, jingle bells
Let's hope we all make it home alive
Oh, what fun it is to sing
In a smokey Uptown dive

late question... short email

K on R @ K's?
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Jimmy is just a man, just like us... but...

Apparently last night was the last night of the Karaoke Kontest. And not a day too soon. Luckily KG saw us and assured us that if we put in we would be bumped to the front of the line to avoid all the kontest kraziness. So that was nice... we had that. We did get a bit scolded for going to the well a bit too aggressively... putting KG into a delicate situation where he had to call just "Joe" up rather than "Joe and Chris" - pointing out his "error" was greeted by a scolding and a "...you guys know me... I have to handle this delicately...". Consider me schooled.

I arrived to the welcomed but unannounced presence of Mr. Brett. I caught him in the middle of enjoying a Karaoles Full Meal Deal (fries, burger(?), HL and a drunkin hillbilly action figure prize). Jimmy commented that Mr. Brett hadn't finished his fries... further relating that he had only just finished 2 Karaoles Full Meal Deals in the time it had taken Mr. Brett to NOT finish his one. We all nodded to each other acknowledging the unspoken but obvious truth: Jimmy is just a man, just like us... but just twice as much.

After that, I was greeted unexpectedly AGAIN, but Matt Shobe from FeedBurner out on a sanctioned spree... just as I had only just stopped reeling from this, Traci Hailpern (also from FeedBurner) made a unexpected appearance with two friends in tow (to be known as BigTraciFriend and SmallerTraciFriend, since I can't remember their names)... It was shaping up as an evening of unexpected greetings and comforting reconfirmations (Jimmy = us x 2).

The early warm up pre-Kontest "performers" included us and Magoo-san (kontest warm up) and a few other kontest kastaways. Joe had a interesting conversation with Magoo-san in the Men's Room (Hell) about Magoo-san's kontest prospects... It sounded quite spirited from the sounds of things... Takeaway advice from Magoo-san: "To do good in kontest... you got to move up there... you got to move." Sound advice, I suppose that I will choose to completely ignore.

Matt Shobe has an uncanny ability to name "characters"... immediately re-dubbing "Camo One Note" to "Camo-Tone." A much better label, I think... Not to be outdone, Mr Brett and Rhonda re-dubbed "Lil'She-Jimmy" to "Jimlet" another A+

When the Kontest Kommenced, it was all Drama Club - nuff said... we were impressed with the 1 Non-Blonde that "performed" WHAT'S GOIN ON, but none of us believed she had the stamina to prevail over the length of the kontest.

THE LINE UP

The Alien: [conspicuously absent]
Mr. Brett: FOLSUM PRISON BLUES (actually a mix up denying us the pleasure of his Bon Jovi stylings)
Rhonda: BUST A MOVE
Joe: STREETS OF BAKERSFIELD (Duet with Chris)
Lisap: [absent due to early morning presentation today]
Matt Shobe: [chose to sit this one out]
Traci: [bought a round of HL]
BigTraciFriend: [chose to sit this one out]
SmallerTraciFriend: [chose to sit this one out]
Chris: SUNDAY MORNING COMING DOWN, STREETS OF BAKERSFIELD (duet with Joe)

Hope to see everyone at K on R @ K's
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Because @ 9, it's my time to shine

[inspired by I WALK THE LINE by JOHNNY CASH]

I keep a close watch on the clock 'til 9
I can't wait 'til it's K time
I keep all thoughts of disaster from my mind
Because @ 9, it's my time to shine

I find it very, very easy to chug the first two
I like myself even better when two more are through
Sure, I'll admit that i use beer, my nerves, to subdue
Because @ 9, it's my time to shine

As sure as night is dark and hillbillies fight
I'll keep putting songs in all night
And the "performances" I'll make prove that tonight
@ 9, it's my time to shine

I've got a way to keep you all cock-eyed
I'll give you cause to increase the number you'll imbibe
For you know, drunk, I have no shame inside
Because @ 9, it's my time to shine

I keep a close watch on the clock 'til 9
I can't wait 'til it's K time
I keep the thoughts of failure outta my mind
Because @ 9, it's my time to shine


Who else plans to shine this R @ K's for K?
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My Best Friend has a second name

[Inspired by the Oscar Meyer Bologna jingle]

My Best Friend has a second name its H-and-f'n-L
My Best Friend has a first name; but it's too hard to Spell.
Oh, I love to greet him once weekly, and if you wonder why, you'll see,
that Miller-Highlife gets me through K-A-R-A-O-K-E


I will assume that there will be no K this R @ K's due to "Thanksgiving" (ironically named, there being no thanks given through "song," it seems)
Further irony being supplied by the fact that K is TurKey's middle name.

Nuff said... no need to belabor the point

Have a happy Thanksgiving... perhaps after ThanKsgiving there will again be K on R @ K's
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You down with EEG

[Inspired by NAUGHTY BY NATURE'S OPP]

I'll take you frame by frame it
To have y'all jumpin' shall we singin' it
E is for Electro, E is for Encephalo [scratchin' temple]
The last G...well...that's not that simple (Graphy)
It's sorta like another way to see how my head works
It's five little pens scratchin' on paper
You get on occasion when you have a seizure
As a game 'n it seems I gotta start to explainin'
Bust it
You ever had a day where you don't eat or drink much
You get all tired and sit down for a bit then jump right up?
You you wake up in the Emergency Room and wonder what the...
Then remember that sometimes you do that and say here we go again
It's not a faint, F to the A to the I to the N to the T
It's really much more than that (Boy, that's what is scary)
It's results in EEG, ElectroEncephaloGraphy is what you get
There's a dark room for you head and there's sensors stuck to it
How many brothers out there know just what I'm gettin' at
Who thinks it's wrong 'cos I'm splittin' my head and a-hittin' it on the ground
Well if you do, that means EEG and you're down with it
But if you don't, here's your membership

Chorus:
You down with EEG (Yeah you know me) 3X
Who's down with EEG (Every last homie)
You down with EEG (Yeah you know me) 3X
Who's down with EEG (I'm too skinny)



So I have to go get an EEG R morning... which means sleep depravation on W night and forced "sleep" while having sensors stuck to my head... I hope they don't get confused and switch my brain with a Chimp Astronaut like on I Dream of Jeanie... we will see...

as a result of this fun activity my K plans are a bit uncertain... I would like to think that, with a Chimp brain, I might actually be better suited to the activities available at our favorite little shack on the corner...

What are other people's feelings on the K subject?
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Greetings from the Niles Township Bike Trail!


As many of you know, I had a little cycling accident over the weekend... Unfortunately it is not a spectacular story... mostly me not paying enough attention... I am used to the "Mean Streets of Chicago" not the "Terror that Lurks Beneath the Leaves" of the suburban bike trail... Luckily my girlfriend Lisa was with me or I might have been stripped of all my possessions by all the senior citizens whizzing by on their 3 wheeled bikes and left for dead.

Needless to say, having sustained what was later described as a "severe concussion," I was quite a hand full at the scene... Lisa describes several attempts to wander off into the woods while she attempted to phone the authorties. I blissfully remember nothing of the actual accident or the ride to the hospital or the ceremonial cutting away of my favorite t-shirt.

Before anyone asks, the Doctor (I was later told) said a helmet would have made very little difference in my particular (pavement-to-side-of-head) injuries... So all you kids out there take heed! Helmets are for Squares :)

Other than a fleeting images of a very nice EMS-attendant in the ambulance who appeared to me as Sea Cow with a name badge reading "Kirk," the first thing I remember was being in the hospital AFTER all my x-rays and scans and what not. I felt like Dorothy from the wizard of OZ waking up in Kansas... except all the farm hands looked like Lisa, Joe and Rhonda Kottke (Thanks so much to all of those guys, btw... It is indescribably nice to wake up to faces you recognize).

Well to make a long story short... I am beaten but not broken... I was advised by my Doctor (I was told later) to take a couple of days off and to not operate back-hoes or haybailing equipment, so I will be operating here from my Fortress of Solitude for a couple of days while I tend to my wounds - please do not hesitate to contact me by whatever medium you prefer.

P.S. Ironically Brain Injuries can give you insights you would have never had otherwise... for example... I am now CONVINCED that the Rockefellers AND the Rothschilds were behind the Hindenburg Disaster

P.S.S. Thanks a million Kirk, have a bucket of kelp on me - I was talking crazy and got me chilled out!
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FW: Ware the hell was you people?

I guess we are officially regulars now... maybe this "going to the Hideout" experiment should stay just that... an experiment...

I am certainly touched by this country gentleman's simple charms...


Begin forwarded message:

To: chrisf@feedburner.com
From: jimmyky35@aol.com
Subject: Ware the hell was you people?

My dawter is showing me how to us this computer She dont kno no more about a dam thing more than i do. i just want to ask why you did not show up to the bar last night. it was a very slow night I playd that damn golf machine all night with the bounser we all missed you alot my wife was a looking for you all all night but she did not see you That dam joe had to sing all night when he wanst that dam joe anne did and she sounds like a cats a scwallin well i better git off the phone.. my son might be a tryn to call and he only get won call a day and my hadns are crampng up
sinserly your frend
Jimmy
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We could just watch in horror and helplessness

Well, it's that time of year again... when we turn back the clocks.. literally - not just socially and culturally like at karaoles...

It is also time for the annual *&@#$ Karaoke Kontest... As a result of this so-called Kontest, there was a sign up sheet and there were a LOT of tourists and ringers... so much so that we ALL sat this one out... But never fear there was plenty to report...

Magoo-san was in rare form... Singing both Elvis AND Simon and Garfunkel (A BIDGE TOO FAR OVER TROUBLED WATERS as I like to call his S&G number). I had an extended encounter with Magoo-san in Hell (btw, he is a toilet basin man... or in The Alien's words... "he likes to hear the splash"). He was proud of his new Miller Lite Karaoke Kontest T-shirt that he was wearing over the top of his windbreaker and cheerfully reported that he had won third place... but had been hoping for "number one place". I think they just told him that to make him stop signing up to sing more Elvis numbers.

Lil'She-Jimmy was there due to the increased crowd and as a result greater need for messed up drink orders and insolent treatment of the customers... big news she is no longer a dark-rooted bleach blond... she dyed her hair to a sort of limp mousy-brown that I think probably more closely matches her "natural color".

Two On-again/Off-again duty policemen joined us to use the Hellacious men's room one went to Hell while the other was distracted by BikerBouncer from the numerous fire code violations... Hulk Hogan was there but none of us witnessed and Martial Artistic Foot work. Speaking of which... one curious member of our troop tried to recreate Hulks now-famous urinal flusher leg sweep... but, sadly, came away limping

We had "Bob from Key West" and his rough-trade young man friend, "Tim"... Bob from Key West became very infatuated with Tyrone's Barry Manilow COPPA CABANA cover and quickly lost interest in Tim.

It was a really rough night for performers... the only non-kontestant that got up there was Karaole herself of course and of course she did her typical KOAL MINERS DAUGKTER number to the sycophantic howls and grunts of Mr Karaole.

Lots of ringers... Bar band singers... Thespians... you know the drill. All vying for some vaguely distant and mirky "fabulous prize". We could just watch in horror and helplessness

THE LINE UP

The Alien: [chose to sit this one out]
Lisap: [chose to sit this one out]
Chris: [chose to sit this one out]

Apparently this *&@#$ kontest will be going on for a few weeks... so... see you next R @ K's for K!
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How many times must a man fall down

[inspired by BLOWING IN THE WIND by BOB DYLAN]

How many times must a man fall down
Before you call him a lush?
Yes, 'n' how many teeth must one man lose
Before he can drink only beer and eat only mush?
Yes, 'n' how many times must he chortle and grope
Before, from the bar, he is forever banned?
The answer, my friend, is @ Karaoles Kountry Inn
The answer is @ Karaoles Kountry Inn.

Come find ALL the anskwers at K this R @ K's
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Ain't no one gonna jump in line

[inspired by BREAK MY STRIDE (ACE OF BASE version) and by our Kathletes who run run run and let nuthin break-a their strides... well okay molting is something that might break some strides... but that is a painful process made even more painful by prolonged exposure to a terrestrial atmosphere]

Last night I had the strangest dream
I drove away to Karaoles, in a little go-kart to find ya
And you said you had a song you wanted to "sing"
Didn't want no one to jam you, what does that mean? And you said...

Ain't no one gonna jump in line
Nobody gonna "perform" before me, oh no
I got to keep on "groovin"
Ain't no one gonna jump in line
I'm running on those 5 beers I downed, oh ya
I got to keep on "groovin"

Who is in for K this R @ K's?
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Too much makeup for her overall mannish looks

big night... lots of doin's

First it was Lisap's kirthday... KG stopped the whole production and "led" the "crowd" with a "rousing" rendition of "Happy Birthday". The entire bar cast their general awareness toward our little group and honored lisap as (as KG described her) a "R-night Karaoke Regular" - I am sure her parents are so so proud.

All the celebration aroused Jimmy and put him into a convivial mood. He offered repeatedly to make Lisap a "speashal shaa-oot" (we Hoosiers translated that as "special shot")... countering her objections he said it would be no stronger than the beer (pronounced "bee-or") she had in her hand and that they made it "in the back"... Many of us perked up at this thinking immediately: "STILL!" - but she would not be swayed and he settled for giving her a bee-or chit and and getting a hug from rhonda. I thought about asking for her kirthday shaa-oot, but I felt that might have been indelicate... but I am very curious about what they are cookin' up back there.

KG was in a abusive and talkative mood... each of us being greeted with amplified taunts and challenges to our honors and professions... all but Mr. Brett... I chalk that up to their Special Relationship and to Mr Brett being resplendent in his "work clothes" - Blazer... open collar... dashing and rakish!

A new and interesting development in Karaoles Staffing... Apparently Jimmy Junior has a sister... I picked her out of the crowd based on the following traits:

1. The General Build and Look of Jimmy
2. Too much makeup for her overall mannish looks
3. Bleached hair with dark roots
4. A patriotic "United We Stand" t-shirt
5. A casual and sullen approach to her bar-wench duties

I pointed out my theory and was challenged only to vindicated when she shouted "Hey, Dad!" and Jimmy turned around.... That's our Jimmy always "Keepin' it in the Family".

A couple of biker guys were there... some hipsters... but mostly things have settled down...

THE LINE UP

The Alien: [called "off-world" so was not in attendance]
Rhonda: [chose to sit this one out]
Joe: [chose to sit this one out]
Mr Brett: LIVIN' ON A PRAYER
Lisap: HELP, MR TAMBOURINE MAN (duet with Chris), LUCY IN THE SKY WITH DIAMONDS
Chris: I'M SO LONESOME I COULD CRY, MR TAMBOURINE MAN (duet with Lisap - chose characteristically to explore non-western keys and time signatures), FOLSOM PRISON BLUES

See you next R @ K's for K!
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