Friday, March 24, 2006

Night of 1000 Fauxmosexuals

As I struggle to decipher my notes from last night, I am struck by how foggy my memory of the evening actually is. I am not sure what to attribute that to. There was a kind of "wildness" in the air - the "natives" were definitely whipped up.

Like most nights at K's new friends were made. I immediately fell in with an Hombre who was very "over served" by the time I got to him... He assured me several times that he was not "hitting on me" with his numerous attempts to "get some conversation happening". I took no offense but felt it was best to not encourage him too much so I pretended to be asleep. I think it was a good decision since later he was seen dancing and embracing with a guy the BikerBouncer ultimately had to "deal with" - more on that later.

Once The Alien came in he drifted to the background - later moving to more fertile territory at the other side of the bar.

Things proceeded pretty normally for my first "number" but things started to boil over at about the time that.

1. KG showed up and announced that he was 40 years old
2. The Alien launched into his version of SWEET CAROLINE

The Alien's subtle combination of song craftsmanship and alien mind control compelled two, up to this point, unseen "regulars" to dance and caper about as The Alien's Own Private Man Dancers. It got a little weird and then it got a whole lot weirder and then it got ridiculous. Even jaded KG seemed a bit taken aback by the vim, vigor and enthusiasm displayed by what looked to all of us, as an ordinary handful of paunchy middleaged white men... boy were we all wrong!

In the glow of the post performance there was much joy and affection shared while all basked in the new man-on-man-tolerant atmosphere... KG even offered to enter into a man/man relationship with The Alien. The Alien made it clear he wasn't interested... we suspected that KG was only kidding anyway since he made it clear he only preferred the "pitching" position. In any case it was the Night of 1000 Fauxmosexuals

We were all so taken aback that other boundaries were dissolved... we entered into what some might even consider a "conversation" with a couple Slim-Gimpy-quality party girls that were just as amazed as we were... They were soon distracted by the Loyola University Janitor that soon began to grope one of them incessantly and communication ceased at that point.

Things would have been fine and dandy if not for one final development

3. Rhonda launched into her version of BABY GOT BACK

While things had merely been ridiculous before they quickly became threatening and dangerous as paunchy Man Dancers crowed Rhonda out of the prime "performing" position - causing Matchbox Kenny to actually have to defend her by waving them off. This roused the attention of BikerBouncer... The sight of paunchy Man Dancers inspired a small crowd of paunchy Couple Dancers to Grind and Dirty Dance through the final parts of Rhonda's "number"

By the time the "number" was finished BikerBouncer was "swimming" through the crowd like a shark on the prowl. He cornered the smallest, most aggressive Man Dancer while the rest of them evaporated into the crowd... The Alien alerted us, "Watch... BikeBouncer is about to begin to move deceptively fast..." Before you could say, "I like Big Butts", BikerBouncer had the Man Dancer wrapped up and halfway to the sidewalk. It was a site to behold - BikerBouncer is a good man to have in a tight spot.

Another first: Joe got his birthday written on the "March Birthdays" announcement board at K's... pretty cool... he was careful to clear it first completely with BikerBouncer before giving him any reason to kick his ass.

Marie was there most of the night, but then mysteriously disappeared once she got some cash from us. Mystery.

Also, there were a number of memorable quotes from various people that I will not repeat because I have either forgotten them or am too shy to repeat them.

Of course, not content to let an open sore heal, The Alien and Rhonda performed two more provocative numbers. Jimmy rewarded Rhonda with an extended Flashlight Bath. Jimmy was particularly provoked by The Alien's number... making several homo-erotic hand gestures and miming demonstrations of various indecipherable sex-acts.

Then we ran for our lives.


THE LINE UP

The Alien: SWEET CAROLINE, I'M TOO SEXY
Rhonda: BABY GOT BACK, THE TIMEWARP
Joe: (chose to sit this one out)
Chris: RING OF FIRE, PRETTY IN PINK

Let's hope the next R @ K's for K is a little bit more boring.
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Monday, March 20, 2006

Ms Karaole, You Drink Booze like Water

(inspired by CRACKLIN' ROSE by NEIL DIAMOND)

Cracked Red Nose that can't be ignored
You're gonna drink till there ain't no veins no mo'
Too sore to blow
Lord, don't you know
Drinkin like that it will burst like a tomato

Sippin' on a your 8th rum and coke
Those losers will fawn on you all night long
You'll sing your song
You'll sing when you want
KG will just call you up whenever you want him

Oh, I cringe at that Rosie nose
You got the way to keep y'self happy
You always drink in style
Ms Karaole, you drink booze like water
And you like to sing "Coalminer's Daughter'
So badger Mrs Jimmy, girl
While the night keeps draggin' on

Drink it down
drink it down
drink it down, my lady

My guess is that we are over due for Karaole to be there to add pleasure and warmth to our K @ K's on R

any takers?
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Friday, March 17, 2006

Just Shows up to Pick up the Checks

Last night was no more remarkable than any other R @ K's for K... In other words it was Remarkable.

No sign of KG. The Alien found out from Matchbox Kenny that KG "just shows up to pick up the checks" now... leaving Matchbox Kenny still at the helm... not exactly the firmest hand on the helm, either. He began begging right away for our "crew" to start submitting "numbers" to save his "singing" voice.

The place was empty when we got there... Mr Brett was firmly established by the time The Alien and I arrived.

Nothng much to report other than it was a night of some new numbers (Mr Brett: "What have we got to lose?"). Jimmy was in high spirits... it could have been the low work load... he sat at the bar for quite a while and just stared into space. Once some ladies appeared he seemed to perk up quite a bit and began to monkey around and exclaim all sorts of wild, unintelligible statements about the nature of Gender Relations in our country today. Nobody seemed to come up to the flashlight bar, however - despite The Aliens constant agitating

The LINE UP

The Alien: SUNDAY MORNING COMING DOWN (early on it was that kind of night), CITY OF NEW ORLEANS (back by popular demand)
Mr. Brett: AMERICAN IDIOT, STRAY CAT STRUT (now redubbed MATT BRETT STRUT), HOLIDAY
Chris: HELLO DARLIN', NORWEGIAN WOOD, ABOUT A GIRL (unplugged and unlistenable)

Hope to see you all next R @ K's for K!
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Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Accept your fate - K's the thing you're thinking of

(IT'S NOT TOO LATE made popular by AIR SUPPLY)

I stand alone , with a mic, not that proud
I "sing" poorly if the truth be said
Sometimes i try to "sing" too loud
But at least I stand still up there
I wish i had the sense or shame to just sit and drink my beer

(chorus)
It's not to late to plan for K
Accept your fate K's the thing you're thinking of
It's not to late so don't say you can't
I'd like you there, but it's not hard for me
Not that hard for me to K
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Friday, March 10, 2006

And what a bail out it was!

Strange night last night... must have been the rain keeping some people in and drawing some "people" out. Those "people" included us! Very very very quiet night. Matchbox Kenny was alone at the helm and dying up there... he had to sing about 6 or 7 in a row before we got organized enough to get up there and bail him out. And what a bail out it was!

Other people at the bar included a group of Look-at-me-Look-at-me, very loud girls with their Effeminate Male Companion egging them on. Boy were they loud! and then they would go up there as a 5-6 person group not sing and giggle and draw more attention to themselves... it was pretty nausiating.

Jimmy was in good spirits... he copped a couple of long hugs from the least loud of the loud girls. He also got his flashlight out for a really classy girl with a Got Cocktails? t-shirt and one of those really long hair trailer park perms... She had all (ALL) the characteristics that we all know Jimmy looks for in a "performer".

THE LINE UP

The Alien: PAINT IT BLACK, SWEET CAROLINE (in a not so transpaent attempt at pandering - successful, btw)
Lisap: RAIN, MR TAMBORINE MAN (always the Rock Classicist)
Chris: LAY LADY LAY, RING OF FIRE (a less successful attempt to pander)

See you next R for K @ K's
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Monday, March 06, 2006

I know it's sad but this is kind of my routine

(inspired by LAY LADY LAY, by BOB DYLAN)

Hey, Jimmy, hey, pay you right now for 3 beers ahead?
Hey, Jimmy, hey, pay you right now for 3 beers ahead?
Whatever prices you have before K time
I'll pay that to you now - its okay I like them warm too, just fine

Hey, Jimmy, hey, pay you right now for 3 beers ahead?
Say, Jimmy, say, did I tell you I like your style?
Until I'm out of pay, let me drink and lay my head on the bar for a while
My clothes get smokey and I can't really sing
I know it's sad but this is kind of my routine

Hey, Jimmy, hey, pay you right now for 3 beers ahead?

K on R @ K's?
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